Illustrations: Peter C. Espina/GT

What do people often do when it is time to pay the bill at a restaurant? 

Here in China, if you see some people argue and even push and shove at the cashier's desk of a restaurant, please stay calm and don't call the police, the jostling could be over who gets to pay the bill.

Such scenes are so common that I can't help but wonder at their frequent recurrence. I have tried but failed to figure out the reason for such "aggressive courtesy," so I have to attribute it to cultural reasons.

It's a factor called mianzi - from Chinese culture, literally meaning face in English, a virtually social measure of respect a person gains from others. 

Vying with friends for the "right" to foot the restaurant bill is one way to gain mianzi. I find it somewhat hilarious but not worth any special attention because it is apparently innocuous, or may be because I had got used to it - until a sad story reached me. 

Four young women, who were good friends, staggered into a dispute after hanging out together. One of them, surnamed Li, wanted to pay the entire bill but others did not allow her to. All drunk, they got into a fight. In the melee, one woman broke a glass beer bottle and cut her wrist with a shard. She was rushed to hospital and treated for the injury. Regrettably, Li went into frustration after the incident and committed suicide by jumping into a lake. 

Shocked, I looked up "vie to pay checks" online and found various similar cases, with some people even landing in jail and some in hospital. 

I began to think deeply about the necessity for Chinese people to re-examine their traditions. We should carry forward some customs that are cultural treasures. 

But at the same time, what is undesirable should be gradually done away with, or at least reined in to stop it from getting out of control.

Going Dutch doesn't necessarily harm relations among people. The term comes from restaurant dinning etiquette in the Western world and is based on the belief that everyone is equal. 

I came across a typical scene in Brazil, which would take the Chinese by surprise: A couple with their two little boys purchased lunch in a restaurant and paid equally. 

Good news is young Chinese people's attitude toward mianzi is becoming more prudent. Many young people take delight in showing their generosity and goodwill by covering get-together expenses for friends, but at the same time, they are not adamant about refusing to go Dutch if their friends prefer. 

Eating out with friends is meant to strengthen bonds and cherish friendship. It is foolish to let the tail wag the dog. 

The author is a reporter with the Global Times. xuhailin@globaltimes.com.cn