I don't like the word "control" when talking about emotions. We can't choose how we feel; we just do.

There was a time in my life when I was working for the US court system and had inmates referred to me for "anger management." I told them that I wasn't there to get rid of their anger because anger sometimes serves a healthy purpose (like protecting someone you love from harm).

But it is important to learn to manage the anger and resolve it in healthy ways.

"Temper" your temper

Everyone has remarkably similar physical responses to anger. Blood pressure rises, facial expressions change, adrenaline pumps.

Generally, the best way to "temper" anger is to make social connections.

Dr Daniel J. Siegel, child psychiatrist and clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles, said, "From early infancy, it appears that our ability to regulate emotional states depends upon the experience of feeling that a significant person in our life is simultaneously experiencing a similar state of mind."

Helping someone you trust to understand your anger, and the reason behind it, not only helps the relationship, but also helps you to calm down.

For example, when I'm upset by a loved one, I make sure to deal with the issue in person so that the connection helps to preserve the relationship.

When I get upset by an e-mail or something online, the worst thing would be to send an immediate angry response.

Healthy expressions of displeasure are much more helpful than trying to hold your anger in. When I'm upset by an unexpected event perpetrated by a stranger, I express my displeasure in a humorous way so that I connect with the person.

If the offense threatens a relationship you consider important, it's generally good to deal with the conflict in person.

Faulty alternatives

Many people have heard it said that hitting a pillow or working out their frustrations is a good way to manage anger. Giving physical release to anger is called catharsis. Catharsis provides temporary relief, but it doesn't resolve the anger.

In the 1970s, there was treatment for anger called primal scream therapy, which encouraged people to vent their frustrations with a primal scream.

However, practitioners found that people started becoming addicted to the method without resolving the root of their anger. When primal scream therapy sessions were unexpectedly canceled, participants found that their anger was reactivated.

Others have suggested counting to 10 or focusing on breathing as ways to manage anger. These methods have proved effective for delaying immediate, angry, unwise responses. However, the anger still needs to be resolved.

Empathy from others, making meaningful social connections, is widely recognized as the best way to resolve anger.

Express empathy

So the next time you get stood up, don't write an angry e-mail or give your friend the cold shoulder. Tell her how angry you are and why, and give her a chance to explain.

The next time your 18-month-old throws something in frustration, don't point at him harshly and say, "No!" Try to understand his frustration and express empathy.

You can't control anger, but you can channel and resolve it. Show some empathy and seek it out when you need it for yourself.

For more information please visit www.ufh.com.

                                                                                                         Rob Blinn, PhD SEP

Rob Blinn, PhD SEP

Clinical Psychologist, Department Chair of Psychological Health Center

Dr Rob Blinn received his Bachelor of Science degree from the University of Illinois in 1981 and his Master's and PhD degrees in Clinical Psychology from the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology in Palo Alto, California.

He completed his pre-doctoral psychology internship at the National Asian American Psychology Training Center in San Francisco, which included a rotation at the Second Affiliated Hospital of Hunan Medical University in Changsha (China).

Blinn joined BJU in 2003.

Following the 2008 Sichuan earthquake, he served as Director of the China Earthquake Relief Project (CHERP).

Blinn has advanced expertise in treating anxiety disorders and PTSD.