Perhaps the most poignant exhibit in Graceland is a 25-inch RCA TV with a bullet hole in the screen.

Say what you like about the "Cat King," but you have to admire his Maoist approach to home appliance repair.

Elvis had a total 16 sets, three of them mounted on a yellow, white and blue wall in his glass-and-chrome TV room.

Here the pudgy Vegas pugilist liked to monitor three different sports games simultaneously, an idea he allegedly gleaned from president Lyndon Johnson.

Yet even three king-sized TVs would be insufficient to contain the orgasmic potential of the explosive finale to this English Premiership season.

Remember that Sergio Aguero last-minute goal in the last game of last season?

So last year.

That goal is but a comprehensive speech about the Chinese dream compared to the exceptional excitement of eight cup finals on Sunday May 19.

Sixteen out of a total 20 Premier League clubs playing in eight out of 10 final fixtures will get to play a role in deciding the final European places and relegation slot. Well, probably. It's impossible to say anything with absolute mathematical certainty.

To understand why, try solving the Hodge conjecture, also known as the BBC predictor, available at http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/predictor/default.stm.

I spent a few hours inputting various scorelines, goals and zeta functions.

Aston Villa, Norwich, Sunderland, Newcastle, Southampton and Norwich were all relegated through different wormholes, mostly via rips in the space-time continuum known in the jargon of soccer parlance as "goal difference."

On Monday I won the Fields Medal for relegating 12th-placed Fulham.

All this mathematical mastication adds up to a frantic climax that will require multiple TV monitors, motion detectors and adult diapers.

Luckily fans living in China have the hardworking abacus operators at the state-of-the-art CCTV nerve center to keep us fully informed of all developments.

Failing that, I suggest licking your thumb and thrusting it firmly into the back aerial socket of your TV at the critical moment.

The author is a Beijing-based freelance writer. andyinbeijing@hotmail.com