The significant mother
When Andrew Dupuis, a foreign editor at CCTV, started dating a Chinese woman in 2008, they kept their relationship secret from her parents for a few months at first for fear that her family wouldn't be particularly accepting of a foreigner dating their daughter.
Dupuis, a Canadian, said it's hard for some Chinese parents to accept foreigners because of the stereotype that they are "not responsible, not here for a long time and don't take care of families."
"But if you get past these perceptions [and] prove them wrong, it's hard for anyone to keep up this stereotype," he said.
His mother-in-law was the more easygoing parent and Dupuis won her over first. Then, with her on his team, they got the father-in-law to accept him, too.
There are many other expats who might find handling the relationship with the parents of their significant others a little difficult. Yesterday was Mother's Day, but today is a good time to consider your other mother. Metropolitan spoke with expats who married into Chinese families, as well as Chinese mothers, to find the best ways to butter up your Chinese mother-in-law.
Foster a common hobby
Dupuis, who married in September 2012, had dated Chinese women in the past and in his experience, with every single Chinese parent, he ran into the issue of the parents not accepting a foreigner for a son-in-law, to varying degrees.
He has learned to make peace with the parents by doing some of their favorite activities together. His mother-in-law lives in Wuxi, Jiangsu Province, and visits Beijing every three months or so. Dupuis and his wife also head to Wuxi during vacations.
"I would do things to make her happy," he said. "She likes to beat me at mahjong, which was pretty easy to do. So I play mahjong with her when I go down to Wuxi."
One Spring Festival he went with his girlfriend to Wuxi to visit her family. Though he had never played mahjong before, his mother-in-law sat him down along with an aunt and one more player to teach him the game.
"I'm just too slow to recognize the combinations," he said. "Even now I'm still trying to understand it."
The family played with an emphasis on money and his mother-in-law would always beat him. He never walked away from a game without losing. The first game lasted for a couple of hours, and his losses totaled about 20 yuan ($3.26).
Even though the money wasn't much, Dupuis said it made his mother-in-law laugh and he considered that a good sign.
"She likes to laugh, especially when she wins my money. She laughs like it's the best joke she's ever heard," he said.
Avoid direct confrontation
Peter Krasnopolsky, a teacher at North China University of Technology, married a Chinese woman last year. Before they were wed, his wife was staying with her mother. Now that she's married to Krasnopolsky and they have a son, the mother comes to visit from time to time to help out with the baby.
The parents are open-minded people and there isn't much friction in general between him and the in-laws, Krasnopolsky said. However, on specific matters, when he found himself dangerously close to arguing a couple of times, he realized the language barrier could work to his advantage.
"My mother-in-law doesn't speak English and I don't speak Chinese, so all communications are very basic. We haven't had a chance to argue," he said.
Krasnopolsky confessed that his Chinese is enough to talk about what's for dinner, but not enough to discuss parenting philosophies, over which disagreements are more likely to happen. His wife taught him what's more important is to never face your mother-in-law head on in an argument.
For example, the couple hired a cleaning lady that comes into their home twice a week. Krasnopolsky said talking and debating about it with his mother-in-law would generate unnecessary disputes, therefore they went ahead and hired one, and the mother-in-law eventually accepted the idea because it was already done.
Besides, if the mother-in-law said something disagreeable, instead of arguing with her, it's far better if to simply avoid that topic, Krasnopolsky said.
Show her some love
Like Dupuis' mother-in-law, Feng Shulan, a Beijing resident and owner of a retail shop, had no idea her daughter was dating a foreigner.
"My daughter and her boyfriend [now husband] were introduced to each other by mutual friends, then they started dating," she said. "She would always tell me she's learning English in her room from a computer."
When she finally found out the truth, Feng was not too pleased - at first. She thought her daughter going out with an Australian would mean she would be going away from her one day.
"It's too far," she said. "I raised her on my own, so maybe I'm selfish or something, but I don't want her to be too far from me."
She met her soon-to-be son-in-law during the May holiday in 2011 over a meal at a restaurant in Shunyi.
"We talked, [my daughter] translated for me most of the time, but some of my words she translated and some she left out," Feng said.
It was never her concern there might be issues with personality, or jobs or money matters, only an issue of "the country is too far away," she said, while showing a bit of discontent at the table.
However, she soon realized that her daughter was happy, which was what she cared about most.
"I came to [central] Beijing from Shunyi one vacation, and we went to Tiananmen Square. Later on, when we got home, he got a bucket of hot water for me to soak my feet in," she said.
She also noticed details that indicated her daughter's happiness with her boyfriend. For example, whenever her daughter said she was tired, her boyfriend would carry her on his back. They also cooked for each other on Friday nights, Feng said, and all these moments and interactions indicated that her daughter was satisfied, so she turned around as well.
Know your audience
Little tips and tricks can all help in impressing a future or current mother-in-law, but for Jennifer Thome, what it really came down to was understanding her audience.
Thome has been married to her Chinese husband, Jeff, since fall last year. They've known each other for 10 years, having met in the subway on her first time in China. After getting married in the countryside of Shandong Province, Thome and her husband came back to Beijing.
Thome said since she didn't live with her mother-in-law, they had few interactions and not much of a relationship to speak of. Moreover, her mother-in-law is a farmer from the countryside while Thome is a globe-trotting expat. On top of all this, Thome didn't speak her dialect. Nonetheless, Thome found ways to be friendly with her mother-in-law.
"When you [visit], ask your husband about what they would appreciate, and even if you can't communicate, offer gestures that let them know you care," she said.
She always has her parents bring a box of vitamins from the US, which her mother-in-law appreciates. Since her in-laws don't come to Beijing to visit, Thome sends them photos from time to time, and they appreciate at least having a glimpse into the couple's lives.
For Dupuis, what helped build a lasting bond between him and his mother-in-law was his discovery that she really enjoyed regular phone calls and snacks from Beijing. Now he always makes sure to bring some along when going to visit her from Beijing.
Compliments can go a long way, too, he said. Three months into his relationship, he met the mother-in-law in Beijing. He was introduced as a friend to avoid conflict.
"She made a meal and I complimented her cooking," he said. "I learned from past dating experiences that many Chinese women like to be complimented on their cooking skills."
But nothing compares to having an easygoing mother-in-law who doesn't have many objections. Dupuis said even though he made ingratiating gestures to his mother-in-law and worked to improve their relationship, he didn't have to try hard to please her, and the relationship has never been one with too many obstacles.