Successfully single

• Source: Global Times
• [10:36 June 22 2010]
• Comments

Just because you're single, you don't need to be celibate if you're a parent in Beijing, Photo: AFP

By Michael Gold

The dream of the perfect nuclear family - mother, father, 2.3 kids, Golden Retriever in the yard - has almost always, for all the hollering of traditionalists decrying the downfall of "old-fashioned" values, been just that: a dream.

Nevertheless, parents who raise children alone (单亲, dan qin), for reasons of divorce, death or simple personal preference, remain a put-upon demographic, even in China, where the one-child policy has come to redefine the home unit. But Beijing's expat dan qin community proves a vibrant arena for the kinds of radically refashioned social bonds - including those of a romantic nature - now more common in China and the world over.

Mom comes first

Amy Gendler, an American expat who adopted her 10-year-old daughter in Hong Kong and has raised her in the United States and Beijing, views her family as her number-one priority but said that keeping herself fulfilled and motivated is the most important aspect to being a good caregiver.

"It's like they say in airplanes, always put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your children," she said. "How can I expect my daughter to be happy if I'm not in a good place - professionally, physically, etc?"

For Gendler, this applies to dating, about which she said, "It's always possible to make time for something that's important enough… it's fine if it's taking a little time away but where it gets difficult is when it starts to have a negative effect on my child or work."

Gendler characterized bringing a new romantic interest into her and her daughter's life as a series of trial-and-error experiences that, for all her instinct and intuition, have left a few hard lessons she now tries to adhere to.

"I've learned to do it as late as possible," she said of introducing her child to a partner, describing a number of situations in which her daughter grew too attached to her prospective mate, only to be disappointed when the relationship didn't work out. An initially sweet rapport between a boyfriend and her daughter also unexpectedly turned sour.