Virgin territory
Lovers hug along Shanghai’s romantic Bund. Photo :CFP
Tu Shiyou is having trouble sleeping these days after igniting a controversy about what consenting adults sometimes do in bed.
Tu told the world on her website that she always sleeps alone, and insists she's going to keep it that way until she's married.
Tu, 38, has been pilloried since her "virginity website" went viral after she posted her bona fides as a champion of chastity by uploading a medical report certifying her virginity.
Tu believes in "a correct, healthy, positive and fashionable lifestyle," which she advocates all unmarried women follow. While Tu has strongly held views that many think are a throwback to more conservative times, she never expected they would arouse a nationwide debate over pre-marital sex.
While Tu has some online support, many critics have attacked her. They say uploading a certificate of virginity debases women who have chosen a different path of expression. Others said her idea about the importance of a woman's so-called purity is ossified thinking and a leftover from China's feudal society. Some criticized her for promoting inequality between the sexes and a double standard that permits men to indulge in an act that is considered immoral for single women.
Tu says the personal attacks have been hard to take, but she's not about run and hide.
"They abuse me. Some said I must be mentally ill. Some said I'm too ugly to attract a man and get married," said the freelance writer who has a Master's degree. Tu told the Global Times that she has never even had a close, non-sexual relationship with a man.
"I have difficulty sleeping because of the recent anxiety and fear," Tu said.
Newfound celebrity
Tu may be sleep deprived but her daytime schedule has never been fuller. Since her website caused an online sensation she has been interviewed at least three times a day by newspapers and she has traveled to three different cities to participate in TV programs.
"I'm in high spirits, I have to seize the opportunity to publicize my ideas," said Tu who sounded more cheerful than she looked.
Tu may have hit a nerve because her ideas contain a lot of moralizing about women's sexuality. She says her mother taught her that a woman who loses her virginity "can corrupt social morals." Her website claims that "indulging in sex can cause a country to be conquered."
Reports of the rise of abortion rates among teenage girls and unmarried women made Tu think something important was missing from society, but it's not better information and access to birth control.
"Our social values have been distorted. People promote sex and debase the value of chastity. I don't believe an open society means there are no restraints on sex," she said.
Tu's recent celebrity has netted her invitations to debate her views with some of China's well-known sexologists such as Professor Peng Xiaohui, who teaches at Central China Normal University.
Male-dominated concept
"Conserving virginity before marriage is the repression of the spirit, and a leftover from male-dominated society," Peng told the Global Times, suggesting that it's unfair to insist that women are only entitled to one intimate relationship.
"It's wrong to judge a woman's morals by her virginity," Peng said, adding that the preservation of a woman's virginity originated in writings from the Western Zhou Dynasty (1046-771BC). "To ensure a male-dominated society, they put restraints on women's sexuality," said Peng.
Peng says modern society shouldn't link chastity to ethical behavior.
"It's OK to choose to preserve one's virginity, but it is not worth promoting if it's based on catering to men's virgin fetish," Peng said.
Bai Wanqing, 63, a Shanghai People's Congress deputy, stirred the debate last year when she proclaimed: "Virginity is the most precious dowry a girl can give to her husband's family." Bai's condemnation of pre-marital sex provoked fierce attacks from women who said they have the same right as men to engage in consensual, intimate relations.
Tu's website, launched two years ago, lists the physical and psychological damage that a woman might succumb to by having pre-marital sex, including sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy.
"Conserving virginity has positive social effects and holds great value for both men and women. You can protect yourself through chastity," she said.
Tu's opposition towards pre-marital sex is bucking a trend that for years has been detailed in numerous surveys that have produced differing results on people's changing attitudes and proclivities towards sex before marriage.
A national survey of 80,000 college students from 10 cites found that 70 percent were tolerant of pre-marital relations, although only 14.4 percent admitted to having had sex before marriage.
An online survey by sina.com in 2004 showed 75.5 percent of the unmarried respondents said they had had sex partners. The survey drew 31,482 responses, 45 percent of whom declared they were single.
A survey released in 2010 by the National Working Committee on Children and Women showed that more than 22 percent of older teenagers have had pre-marital sex, and that 60 percent are "relatively tolerant" towards those who have intimate relations before they are married.
Men want it both ways
While the surveys indicate a trend towards dramatically changing social mores regarding intimate relationships before marriage, it appears many men want it both ways.
A 2010 survey by qq.com showed that more than 80 percent of the 160,000 male respondents said they want to marry a virgin, while only 13 percent said it didn't matter.
"It's not about whether she is pure. It matters that we are the first to touch a woman," said Wang Xian, a 26-year-old businessman in Jiangxi Province. Wang said traditional ideas relating to a woman's virginity still linger even in the minds of well-educated men like him.
Many women say they are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
Still existent social mores require Chinese women to remain chaste out of fear of dishonoring their family or even enraging their husbands.
In Hebei Province, a 23-year-old newly married woman was stabbed by her husband and severely injured in June 2010 after he discovered his bride was not a virgin.
Some women who choose to wait either avoid steady relationships or face abusive pressures from the men they date.
Zhao Xiaochen, a student at the Communication University of China has been in a relationship for over a year. As a practicing Christian she has vowed to refuse sex before marriage.
Zhao says her boyfriend is becoming more demanding and she worries he will break up with her if she doesn't consent. She knows she's out of step with many of her classmates.
"It is normal for my classmates to cohabitate with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I just don't know how to convince him to accept the idea that I won't have sex until we are married," Zhao told the Global Times.
Pan Suiming, a professor with Renmin University of China and one of China's leading sexologists, said in an open society, it's tough for a woman to "fight to the end" when a boyfriend wants to go all the way.
"Most women have fewer resources and are less powerful than men. It is very difficult for them to say no and conserve their chastity if men insist," Pan told the Global Times, adding that a better debate would center on consensual sex not the morality of a woman's virginity.
While sexologists have for decades documented China's sexual liberation they decry the absence of meaningful sex education and lack of awareness of how to protect against diseases and unwanted pregnancy.
As the abortion rate among teenagers continues to climb many institutions have resorted to promoting abstinence programs.
In April 2008, Zhejiang University hosted a two-day training course to convince students to abstain from sex before marriage and foster "a sense of responsibility," the Xinhua News Agency reported. About 200 students signed up and took an oath of chastity before marriage.
Abstinence programs ineffective
Pang Jiaojiao, a student from Hebei University of Economy and Trade, convened a signature ceremony last April that attracted just 100 students who promised they would refrain from intimate encounters before they were married.
Professor Peng from the Central China Normal University said abstinence programs are "ineffective," and points to abortion rates in the US that seem to indicate such programs fail even when they are attached to religious beliefs.
"Abstinence programs cannot really solve the problem. Instead comprehensive sex education is needed in the classrooms and in society," said Peng.
Tu, the self-confessed 38-year-old virgin, and the sexologists she has debated share at least one point in common. "I want to promote a responsible sex life," said Tu who still holds hope she'll find her prince one day.