Q: Dear Uncle Wang,

Why do my Chinese friends and colleagues repeatedly ask me to sing when we go to KTV together, especially after I've already refused them?

A: The first thing you have to understand is that your Chinese friends don't see pushing you to sing as pressure, so much as encouragement, or at the very least, politeness.

Remember that China is still a culture that - at least nominally - puts a premium on modesty. There aren't many places where it is OK for a Chinese person to unabashedly display his or her talent. The KTV club, however, is one of them. So, by repeatedly asking you to sing, your Chinese friends are not only inviting you to participate, but giving you permission to show off.

What many Chinese people miss is that most Westerners don't share this same sense of modesty, so they don't need anyone's permission to show off. Those who can sing well, and enjoy it, will sing. Those who can't, and don't, probably won't. So when Chinese people push you to sing, even after you refuse, they fail to realize that their encouragement sometimes comes across like bullying or appears as if they don't respect your decision.

On the other hand, you have to understand that first refusals don't mean very much in China. Again, it's because of modesty. Even Chinese people familiar with Western culture may ignore your initial refusals because they want to make sure that you're not begging off out of misplaced modesty.

There is something else to keep in mind. If you sing well, you may not care much about the opportunity to show off your voice. But what if you sing poorly? By repeatedly asking you to sing, your friends are also giving you an opportunity to perform without judgment. After all, they asked for it.

You won't get that guarantee singing karaoke at the average bar in the US or Europe, where you have to perform in front of strangers as well as friends. So try not to think about singing as a performance - casual though it might be - as you might do elsewhere. In China, karaoke is just supposed to be for fun.

There is one more reason why your Chinese friends might push you a little more than you're used to at a KTV club. When you go out with friends in China, there is an expectation that everyone should contribute in some way to the activity.

I don't imagine this is a foreign concept to you, or most Westerners. It's like bringing a bottle of wine or some snacks when you're invited to a friend's home. The difference is that in China what people really want you to bring is a willingness to participate - a willingness to join in and make whatever it is you're doing more fun for everyone.

Please send your questions about Chinese culture to twocents-sh@globaltimes.com.cn