Reconcile, yes or no?

By Li Lin Source:Global Times Published: 2014-9-27 19:48:01

When an ex-partner comes back, one has to keep calm and not mistake passion for "true love." Photo: IC

"If Nicholas Tse and Faye Wong can get back together, then why can't we?" said the ex-girlfriend of Wu Youjin. She has been trying to reconcile with Wu since their breakup a year ago.

"[Her wanting to get back together] not only ruins the sweet memories we had, but also reminds me about the bad things she did, such as asking for too much money from me," said Wu when explaining why he would not get back with his ex-girlfriend.

Recently, the two famous Hong Kong stars who used to be together 14 years ago, have reconciled, attracting a lot of public attention. Whether to get back with one's ex-partner or not has now become a hot topic. For some, the stars' reconciliation is very encouraging; yet for others, there's no way they are going back.

Ye Jiying, 28, initially separated from her ex-boyfriend three years ago because her parents did not approve of their relationship because he was from a poor family and uneducated. But after two years of hard work, he was enrolled into an adult education project and her parents consented to them getting back together.

"The reconciliation was happy, but didn't last long," recalled Ye, with the relationship ending after 10 months due to lack of passion.

"We broke up peacefully and at least we tried our best, there's nothing to regret," said Ye.

"There is a saying that the reconciliation rate of a broken up couple is over 80 percent, but less than 5 percent of reconciled couples can really have successful and happy ending," concluded Ye.

Sun Hao, a psychological counselor who specializes in family affairs, warns of the risks of former partners getting back together.

"Reconciliation with an ex-partner can pose problems, and many factors should be considered well in advance," said Sun.

She suggests that people currently in a relationship should compare the time span of their former relationship with their current one, as well as which one is more important and suitable to themselves in the current and in the future.

According to a previous case Sun dealt with, a married woman met her ex-boyfriend whom she loved two years before, and fell into a dilemma.

"Her present life with her husband was disturbed by recalling the passion and profound love she experienced with her ex-boyfriend," said Sun. "But I suggested that she compare the two relationships, and think whom she loved more now."

When the passion was restrained by calm consideration, the woman's answer became quite clear and she stayed with her husband.

Sun said many people often mistake passion with love. When an ex-partner comes back and awakens previous passions in their dull life, they may wrongly think that it is true love.

Other situations with former partners can involve one person wanting to try again, but being rejected by their ex-partner. Such situations can lead to harassment and violence.

Sun explains that such cases can often stem from separation anxiety. "These kind of ex-partners may suffer from separation anxiety, which stems from a lack of safety and belonging," said Sun. "They will do everything to make their partner stay, so as to cover their inner anxiety."

However, there are also many cases of happy reconciliation.

"I support Tse and Wong's reconciliation," said Sun. "Because they have reunited after 14 years of richer life experience, they have a clearer goal in love and higher acceptance towards each other."

Sun believes that love is about unconditional acceptance between two people, and old couples can do this much better than newly-met ones.

"I suggest that unless there is a reason, such as violence, personality defects or an abnormal sex life, old couples breaking up on a momentary impulse should give themselves a chance to reconcile, just like Tse and Wong," said Sun.

Posted in: Intel

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