By Matthew Jukes

Yes it's that time of year when newspapers around the world pull out the metaphorical crystal ball and try to judge what will happen in the ever unstable future. We've jumped on the bandwagon too to take a look at some of the likely events of the next 12 months.

1. Floating money

Beijing prepares to tighten its grip over banks and the economy amongst rumors that the entire city of Shanghai will defect to France. The Shanghainese immediately start a series of credit scams that allow them to continue buying imported designer clothing. Amidst the crisis, Beijing, unable to be tied to the dollar any longer, is forced to float the Renminbi. This annoys the entire world, who have to shift their manufacturing plants to poorer nations. The Welsh manufacturing industry benefits immensely.

2. The internet disappears

Thanks to the "necessary" paperwork for .cn and .zhongguo websites, more than half of all the companies nationwide disappear from public view online. Seeing this as a bit of moneymaker, the Ministry of Information cracks down on all websites and requires them to submit registration just to be seen in China. As the largest number of internet users are now in China, many websites dependent on the income die off. Eventually the internet becomes redundant, aside from a few small to medium businesses which form a Facebook resistance group. Radio makes a comeback.

3. Green Tech

Secretly continuing to help technology that saves the planet in a hope to embarrass the rest of the world, Beijing drops huge amounts of funding into electric cars and e-bikes. Most manufacturers and employers find that they now have more stock than they can realistically sell in the domestic market and transfer abroad. Silent machines of death soon take over European and American cities. Most people's last words are "Can you hear something?"

4. Migration

The influx of people to China continues steadily but more become employees rather than employers. With more people able to afford higher education in China and exchange programs abroad, yet more Chinese students go to study in the West. China now accounts for most of the funding of Western education systems. With so many students that don't return home, nearly every school can now have a Chinese language teacher. "Chinese corners" start to appear in cafes across the West, serving to annoy Chinese expats with pointless grammarless questions.

5. Visa restrictions disappear

Beijing fears that tourism will die off thanks to the overshadowing might of the World Expo and the Guangzhou Asian Games. To try to lure the traveling dollar back to the capital it becomes possible to get a visa within 24 hours for 100 kuai. They are sorely mistaken, no one goes to the World Expo or the Asian Games, but it becomes too much hassle to change the legislation so visas remain easy.

6. Live music remains canceled

For no reason whatsoever foreign live bands continue to be stopped from playing. The Killers concert is canceled at the beginning of the year, signaling more to come. The Midi, Modern Sky and Strawberry music festivals are moved out to the countryside. Migrant workers coming to Beijing now possess a keen ear for rock music.

7. Cars

With the number and rate of Beijing's cars increasing by the day, it's not long before the capital reaches 8 million. During one Monday rush hour at the end of the year, one traffic jam stops the entire city. Despite an overnight kip, most drivers choose to leave their cars and walk home through a pavement filled with rental bicycles. Beijing begins a new construction plan to build roads on top of the traffic jam and start again.

8. The rise of Chinese brand names

With the rising number of rich people, China really hits its stride. Brand name jewelry, clothing, shoes, cars and electronics are now all from major Chinese brands. Ferrari and Porsche lose out to Jiangmen Respectable Harmonious car factory, while Gucci has been replaced by Guangdong Happy Go Lucky clothing.

9. Space

The Chang'e 2 is finally launched and lands on the moon successfully. Within a week, supermarkets and entrepreneurs alike start selling acres of land on the moon. Territorial disputes ensue between the US, Russia and China. The winning argument is made by a historical textbook which claims a former emperor had already claimed the moon as part of the Middle Kingdom.

10. The end of the world

The crystal ball is never completely certain on this one. But thanks to the failure of Copenhagen, the end of the world has drawn just a little bit closer and the earth's crust begins to shift as sea levels rise. Arks (with tickets on Taobao. com) have already been built in the Himalayas but when the waves hit, they dissolve thanks to shoddy engineering. A few young people survive in the wreckage, but tainted milk powder has been packed on board and they meet a premature end. "Tofu Arks" become a reminder to the few survivors.

matthewjukes@globaltimes.com.cn