Dating coach helps men clear their heads in order to fill their hearts

By Jiang Yuxia Source:Global Times Published: 2012-8-21 19:40:03

Dating coach Xu Yue believes you can't force love, but you can improve your chances. Photo: Courtesy of Xu Yue
Dating coach Xu Yue believes you can't force love, but you can improve your chances. Photo: Courtesy of Xu Yue


Some might be born experts in the art of seduction, while others need a bit of help. This is where dating coach Xu Yue comes in handy.

The Beijing native started offering dating advice in New York City two years ago, and since then has seen her career rise. She now coaches men face-to-face or online around the world, with a focus on Beijing and New York. 

"I don't think romance can be taught, because it's based on emotions, chemistry and gut feelings. However, mindsets and perspectives can be changed to improve your overall dating experience and thus increase the possibility of romance," said the high-spirited Xu, who moved to the US at eight and is also a dancer and TV host.

With her own coaching website entitled and a series of videos under her pseudonym Miss Singlefied on Youtube, the 31-year-old has established herself as one of a growing number of dating coaches in the US and China.

The profession took off in recent years in light of a more confusing and complicated dating environment caused by rapid social shifts, such as easily accessible technology and the emergence of non-traditional households.

Xu only coaches men and has won trust from over 100 clients, who place their romantic life in her hands.

Xu finds men easier to coach as they are more direct with their feelings and eager to follow her advice.

To be a good dating coach, the two essential qualities are "good, active listening skills and a sociological mindset," said Xu, who has a double major in business and sociology.

"In a conversation, the first five minutes are essential because the person is verbally processing their thoughts, so their words have a lot of meaning in that short period of time," she said. "A sociological mindset means being able to process societal changes and trends pertaining to dating and making them relevant to the client."

As dating coaches are unlicensed, their methods can vary. Besides coaching courses, Xu offers "field trips" in which she goes out with the client and helps him meet people.

She also creates mock dates where a client takes one of her employees out on a date, who will then create a detailed report of how the date went after.

"People often have the misconception that only awkward guys need coaching. That is simply not true. Most of my clients have no problems getting girls, but most of them are unable to be in a satisfying relationship because of unresolved issues from the past," she explained.

Spending about one-third of her time in Beijing each year, Xu has coached a number of locals and become a keen observer of the dating environment in Beijing compared to New York.

While dating is part of the culture in New York, in Beijing it's very much all or nothing. "All means a committed relationship leading to marriage; nothing means not even a friendship, but possibly casual sex," she explained.

Given that, her clients often opt for different things from her courses. While the men she coaches in New York are focused on overcoming commitment issues, the locals in Beijing are more concerned with the dating game.

"The idea of 'picking up chicks' is so new to them and they're eager to learn," Xu noted.

However, her advice is not about how to pick girls up, but about how to enhance their dating experience and engage in more meaningful relationships.

In spite of the differences, one problem her clients have in common, she has noticed, is going after the wrong women.

These are the women who they haven't worked well with in the past, yet they still go for again and again. The cure for that is to "open the heart, open the mind and open yourself up to what you may not know," Xu advised.

Although the services dating coaches provide can often resemble psychotherapy, with many dating coaches having a background in that, the two should not be conflated.

Xu explains that those who deem their issues deeply psychological should seek proper medical help from licensed doctors.  

Posted in: Metro Beijing

blog comments powered by Disqus