Spring Festival is the most important holiday in China, but it's also a time when family tensions can flare up for LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) people torn between either coming out or keeping secret their sexuality to family members.

Ge Er (pseudonym) and her girlfriend of seven years Xiao Sha (pseudonym) are wary of the stress linked to a Spring Festival showdown with parents.

Ge, who works in online advertising, revealed her sexuality to her parents in March last year. Anguished at being pestered by her mother for not trying to find a boyfriend, the 27-year-old from Beijing admitted she was a lesbian. Her parents had suspected it for some time, but were still shocked about her coming out.

"I was slapped when I refused their request for me to admit homosexuality is wrong," Ge recalled. Her parents even took her to a psychiatrist for treatment.

Xiao, 28, wants to be more tactful when she breaks the news to her parents. She initially planned to come out this Spring Festival, although abandoned the idea because of her parents' own rocky relationship and the fact relatives will also gather in Beijing with the family for the holiday.

Ge is also contending with family woes. Her grandfather's dementia is worsening and her grandmother's ailing health has prompted discussion about funeral arrangements. Both grandparents are unaware Ge is a lesbian. "Grandma said she probably won't be able to see me get married, which makes me feel terrible," said Ge.

Pressure to tie the knot

Many LGBT people aren't prepared to come out to their families, but constant questioning from parents can force their decision.

Zhang Meng (pseudonym), 30, a white-collar worker in Beijing originally from the Inner Mongoilia Autonomous Region, confessed to her parents she was a lesbian in 2009 after they intensified pressure on her to marry.

"It was terrible. My mother cried and screamed, called my girlfriend and threatened to make trouble with her family. My father fainted and was sent to hospital," Zhang recalled.

Zhang's parents nevertheless forced her to go on several blind dates, hoping to "turn her around."

After four years of being at odds with her parents, Zhang wrote her mother a letter in March last year explaining her feelings and identity as a lesbian. Zhang's mother cried, but gradually came to accept it. For the sake of her father's health, both mother and daughter agreed to let him believe she has found love with a boyfriend.

Aside from the prospect of not having grandchildren, many Chinese parents worry about who will care for their gay children once they are old.

"My mother is 52 years old. She once told me that if she were younger, she would give birth to another child so I would have someone to care for me when I'm old," said Ge. "I felt terrible. It was heart-wrenching."

Pathway to parental acceptance

Ge forces herself to talk to her parents every evening when she gets home from work to maintain close relations.

Zhang treats her parents better than before, also calling them regularly and giving them gifts to stay on their good side.

"When I call my father, I pretend to be happy with my 'boyfriend,'" said Zhang. "I want to share my happiness with my mother so much, but I can't since she doesn't allow me to say anything about the topic."

Zhang plans to marry a gay male friend so that families, friends and neighbors on both sides won't gossip. Such sham marriages are common between LGBT people in China to appease others.

Most parents decide to keep the secret in the family, hiding their children's sexuality from relatives and friends. "They [parents] are worried about losing face," explained Ge.

Many conventional Chinese families are extremely strict with children, especially daughters. Ge still has to report to her parents every time she goes out, including when, where and whom she is with. 

But others, such as the parents of Zhang's girlfriend, are more open-minded. Zhang's girlfriend's mother accidentally learned her daughter was a lesbian after reading a letter from Zhang. After a few long conversations, she gradually accepted the fact.

Mei Yi, mother of a lesbian daughter in Beijing, was also understanding from the start. "All I want is for my daughter to be happy," she said.

At first, Mei thought homosexuality was only prominent in the West and some Chinese were just following this "trend."

After getting along with her daughter's girlfriend, Mei started to like her. "She and her girlfriend are both outstanding kids. I trust their decisions," said Mei.

Considering all the troubles and expenses associated with raising children nowadays, Mei isn't pressuring her daughter to give her grandchildren.

"I think it's harder for parents of homosexual sons," she said. "Men have the bigger burden of carrying on the family line."

Mei's advice to parents of LGBT children is that "intervening has no effect."

Choosing the right timing

Lu Rong, 62, a gay rights activist also known as "Auntie Ou," explained to Metro Beijing that she started taking an interest in the local LGBT community the day she met a homosexual man online in 2006.

The man said he avoided his mother's phone calls because all she ever talked about was his need to settle down and marry. 

"In the face of such pressure, I know that many gay men in Beijing choose to 'hire' someone posing as a girlfriend to go home together for Spring Festival," said Lu. "Many gays and lesbians have no choice but to marry with each other."

Lu outlined three essential steps for LGBT Chinese coming out to their parents: first, testing their parents' attitude toward homosexuality; second, choosing a good time to come out; and third, striving to remain close to parents afterwards.

"Spring Festival is too short for all these steps," Lu remarked. "I know a homosexual man who came out to his mother at the end of the vacation. She fainted at the railway station."

Lu, Zhang and Ge all agree that Spring Festival should be about family reunion, not family chaos caused by a gay bombshell.

The main obstacles for the LGBT community abroad are from society and religious establishments, noted Lu, who claims "in China, major obstacles are from the family."

"So many times LGBT people come out of the closet to their parents, who in turn respond by hiding in another kind of 'closet' that allows them to avoid acceptance," Lu concluded.