Power struggles with parents-in-law and communication problems are among the most common problems intercultural couples try to resolve when undergoing therapy to save their marriage. Photo: IC

German woman Frederika Schutz (pseudonym) fell in love with her Chinese boyfriend Chris Yuan (pseudonym) at first sight when the couple met at a mutual friend's birthday party in Beijing in 2010. They married five months later and, one month after their wedding, Schutz learned she was pregnant. Then aged 26, Schutz was alarmed to discover cracks in the couple's marriage.

Yuan couldn't speak English or German, while Schutz could only communicate with him and his family in broken Chinese. The couple is still married, but Schutz struggles to cope with her mother-in-law's obsessive control over her now 4-year-old son.

Rik Ruiter, a Beijing-based relationship therapist and member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, said Schutz and Yuan's story serves as a typical example of what can go wrong when the honeymoon period for an intercultural marriage comes to an abrupt end.

Marriages on the rocks

Although the number of intercultural marriages has grown significantly in recent years in China, China Radio International reported they accounted for just 1 percent of 8 million marriages registered in the country in 2010.

"Couples under 35 are open-minded. They are exposed to the outside world," said Ruiter. "When encountering marital problems, quite a few couples seek professional help to find a way out."

Using Schutz's case as an example, Ruiter emphasized that communication between intercultural couples is crucial for their marriage to work.

"It's sad if they can't keep talking with each other to get a more comprehensive understanding of their relationship," he added.

Schutz sought Ruiter's help at his Chaoyang district home practice to save her marriage, telling him that she loves her husband despite their communication barriers. She attended sessions without Yuan, even though Ruiter insists couples should undergo therapy together for the best results.

Now an English teacher at a Beijing middle school, Schutz has grown weary of family life in China because of friction with her mother-in-law.

"Every summer, [Schutz] goes back to Dresden, her hometown, with her son," said Ruiter, a Canadian who has lived in Beijing for 10 years and has 30 years' experience as a therapist. "Her mother-in-law possessively wants to have the right to educate her grandson."

Schutz expressed her frustration during her four sessions with Ruiter.

Despite her despair, she wasn't prepared to give up on her marriage. "She said Yuan's smile was genuine and could keep her in a good mood for a whole day, so it was good to have a baby with him. Love is blind," said Ruiter.  

To rescue her marriage both for the sake of the couple and their son, Schutz resolved to improve her Chinese so the couple could better communicate orally rather than relying on body language.

Ruby Wang found herself in a similar situation after she married her Israeli husband Gal Adler in 2010. Wang, from Taiwan, met Adler in 2007 in Beijing when the pair was working at a foreign bank. "When we started dating, we encountered cultural shocks," she recalled. "I started learning English. Also, my husband tried to develop our mutual interests by playing tennis."

Wang, 33, didn't appreciate Adler's taste in music, while he was annoyed by her obsession with watching Chinese TV. 

Although Wang sometimes yelled at Adler and both expressed frustration at being unable to grasp linguistic nuances of their native languages, Adler would take it upon himself to apologize first to "give face" and keep their marriage strong.

In addition to showing cultural tolerance and maintaining close ties with Chinese in-laws, therapists advise intercultural couples not to rush into marriage until they are confident they can satisfy needs and expectations from both sides. Photo: IC

Fractious family ties

Unlike in the West, tying the knot in China often means marrying into a spouse's whole family, said Ruiter.

"This phenomenon is very particular in China. Also, the mother-in-law has really strong power in the family," he said. "Delicate competition exists between a Chinese husband's mother and wife, despite her identity as a foreigner."

Another couple who Ruiter has counseled is Reika Yakuchi (pseudonym), a 30-year-old information technology (IT) engineer from Japan, and her Chinese husband Huang Yiping (pseudonym).

The pair married in Tokyo in 2011 while they were university students. After graduation, Yakuchi moved to Beijing with Huang and gave birth to their daughter.

The turning point of their marriage came last year when Huang moved to the US for work.

"They fought with each other on the phone," said Ruiter.

Yakuchi grew increasingly distant from her husband, leading her to consider ending their marriage.

"During our sessions, she didn't talk much about her husband, who didn't support her financially or emotionally," he said. "Their relationship has obviously ended, even though they still have their marriage certificate."

Ruiter suggested Yakuchi divorce and remarry someone who could be there for her, but she didn't want to return home as a single mom due to cultural stigmas associated with broken marriages in Japan.

"Yakuchi's parents consider that the wife should be obedient to her husband's family. Divorce is an unbelievable and destroying concept to her elderly parents," Ruiter said.

After attending four counseling sessions, Yakuchi moved with her daughter to her husband's home province of Jilin to live with her parents-in-law.

Having counseled more than 50 couples in intercultural marriages, Ruiter has discovered that there is quite strong emphasis on family in China.

"We have family ties as well in North America, but couples will keep a distance from their original families. However, Asians' concept of marriage is the union of two families."

Chris Williams, a British counselor and member of the British Association of Counseling and Psychotherapy, has dealt with many couples whose marriages have been challenged by conflicting family ties. One couple who Williams helped handle this issue comprised a Chinese man from a rural area and his American wife.

"During holidays, the couple goes back to the [husband's] village and spends the whole weekend with his family, which annoys the wife and ultimately leads everyone to be unhappy," he said.

Power struggles

Besides friction between wives and their mothers-in-law, another common power struggle in intercultural marriages is between the couple themselves.

Abdul Rehman (pseudonym), from India, and his Guangdong native wife, Phoenix Lau (pseudonym), sought counseling from Ruiter due to their perceived power imbalance. 

The pair met in Bangkok during a holiday, marrying soon after.

Rehman, an IT engineer aged in his early 30s, often works night shifts and is surly in the morning.

He requested Lau cook him Indian food early into their marriage, but she resisted.

"Their problem was a power struggle, specifically who was going to be the boss," explained Ruiter.

"People come in [for counseling] for an issue that isn't always really an issue. There is usually something else behind it, and [as a therapist] you have to dig it out."

Rehman doesn't dislike Chinese food, but insisted Lau cook Indian food.

The cultural background of India's male-dominated concept impacted their marriage, said Ruiter.

Lau started to learn how to cook Indian food, and after five sessions of therapy she learned strategies to maintain harmony in her marriage.

"When couples lack communication, conflicts and clashes take place," said Ruiter, who is currently writing a book about how such matters can undermine a marriage.

"Couples of the same cultural background tend to reduce the chances of talking face to face as time goes by, but intercultural couples who really want to maintain a healthy relationship have to work at it."

Marrying for the right reasons

Too many foreigners in China get married "because they are lonely and needy," said Ruiter, noting this is often a rocky foundation for a life of matrimony. "To me, this reason is not mature enough. Before marriage, you are lonely. After you marry someone, you're still lonely," said Ruiter. 

Expectations from Chinese wives' families can often sow seeds of disharmony before their marriage to a foreign man.

"A common cultural misunderstanding is when a woman and her parents and friends expect a man to be a good provider. In modern Chinese society, this includes buying or already owning an apartment. In Western culture, a woman or family with this attitude is often seen as a gold digger," Williams said.

Even if a foreign husband meets all the standards held by his Chinese wife's family, other issues can arise.

Williams, who has counseled 60 intercultural couples, said foreign men often rush into marriage with Chinese women.

"Another problem is when a foreign male is unhappy with things like spitting, pollution and inconsiderate motorists, and he complains a lot," explained Williams, whose wife is Chinese from Yunnan Province. "Or, he refuses to support his wife by taking part in important family gatherings, perhaps because of language difficulties. Foreign husbands who lack this acceptance of China and Chinese family values often complain bitterly about China and Chinese people, without realizing that this directly hurts their Chinese wives."

Williams advises intercultural couples to date longer and not to marry hastily to ensure they have a solid platform when the time is right to tie the knot.

"A big part of a marriage therapist's mission is to teach couples how to really compromise. We also stress the importance of efficient listening skills, during sessions," he said.