Experts say children are able to read gender cues and start adopting "gender appropriate" behaviors from the age of 2 or 3. Photo: Li Hao/GT

Joan He is frustrated that her 4-year-old daughter refuses to put on the pink lace dress she bought her.

"She prefers to wear shorts instead of skirts, and she wants to play with guns and Lego," said He, a stay-at-home mom in her 30s.

He said that as a young girl growing up in a rural village in Shandong Province, she would often find herself rolling around in the mud or climbing trees with boys. But "in her heart," she always wanted to be treated like a "princess" and to be able to play with dolls.

"My daughter on the other hand, said she wants to be a flying policeman and fight bad guys when she grows up," He sighed. "It worries me."

While some parents might sympathize with He's concerns, experts are now questioning whether it is harmful to pressure children into conforming to gender stereotypes at a young age.

Since 2012, UNICEF, an international humanitarian organization providing aid to children in developing countries, has advocated early childhood education policies that challenge "gender discrimination," noting that gender roles, which are culturally-defined, can prevent children from "realiz[ing] their fullest potential." 

Gender roles and popular culture

Chen Xin, an author of parenting books who holds a doctorate in psychology specializing in early childhood development, explained that children start being able to read gender cues from the age of 2 or 3, for example the fact that their teacher wears a skirt, and therefore must be a woman.

"There are studies showing that children aged 2 to 3 prefer toys and colors that are 'gender appropriate,' and begin to adopt 'gender appropriate' behaviors, which indicates that they are already developing gender schemata," Chen said.

By the time a child reaches 6 or 7, said Chen, they begin to develop gender consistency - which means they start to grasp the concept that a person's gender doesn't change, even though his or her activities, clothing and hairstyle do. Using an example from her own life, Chen said that when her son was younger, he liked the color pink. But by the time he reached 6, he was telling Chen that he preferred light blue.

"'Pink is pretty but it's a color for girls,' he said. It showed that he had already internalized the cultural expectations of gender," Chen said.

Chen said that a child's understanding of gender roles and identity is not simply influenced by their parents, but their cultural environment as a whole. This included clothing, literature, cartoons, games, and general media.

Because gender roles are culturally defined, the pressure on children to conform to such roles reinforces gender discrimination in society, she said.

"[Some cartoons] deliver messages like girls don't need to be smart, that for a girl, being pretty is enough," said Chen. "Peers also have a large influence…Gender inappropriate behaviors will be teased by peers, making the child drop those behaviors."

Gender stereotypes are also reinforced by children's toys, Chen said. She noted that toys made for boys tend to be more physical, and require them to be active, while toys made for girls are usually limited to domestic tasks that reinforced the traditional roles of a woman, such as cooking or dressing up.  

Chen said that in Chinese culture, parents were more likely to encourage their children to conform to gender stereotypes, compared to in the US, where many parents give them more opportunities and time to explore and experiment.

What is to be done

Chen disapproved of the attitude of many Chinese parents, who think of their children as being "genderless," and which is reflected in behaviors like mothers who take their young boys into women's toilets.

"The assumption is that children don't know anything, that they don't have their own thoughts and feelings. It causes a lot of parenting problems," said Chen, who attributed such attitudes to traditional Chinese culture, where there is little respect for the concept of privacy.

Chen also said she was not in favor of some parents forcefully trying to break gender stereotypes through actions such as dressing up their boys in skirts.

But for children who already behave according to their gender norms, she advised parents not to reinforce gender-stereotypical behavior. Instead, they should give their children an opportunity to take part in a wider range of activities, she said.

"Parents can encourage their children to participate in activities that do not conform to their gender stereotype," said Chen. "For example, take girls to karate lessons and let boys take ballet classes."  

As for children who behaved in ways that went against their gender stereotype, Chen said it was important that their parents did not force them to change.

Chen related the story of a woman who had once sought Chen's advice about her 4-year-old son, who liked to dress up in her clothes, including her shoes and her bras. The mother was worried, and tried using physical punishment to change his behavior, but it proved ineffective.

Chen's advice to the mother was that she shouldn't panic, because at the age of 4, a child's understanding of gender was still developing.

"Parents could model more gender-appropriate behaviors, and expose him with more boyish toys and games," she said.

Educators advise parents to never use blame or punishment to force their children into changing expressions of gender that are considered "inappropriate" to their biological sex, and to instead build an inclusive environment that embraces diversity. Photo: IC

Beyond the binary 

There are many educators who work in breaking gender stereotypes and building gender inclusiveness.

Paulina Cuevas, an educational psychologist who has worked for more than 15 years in schools in Chile and China, said that society needs to unlearn the binary gender model that we've been taught since the time we were children, and to adopt ways of thinking through gender that embraces diversity.

Cuevas regularly holds public seminars in China where she advocates a view of gender that goes beyond a person's biology.

She advises parents who are concerned about their children expressing themselves differently from the social expectations of their sex not to force them to change through punishment or manipulation.

"Forcing children to conform to social expectations of gender that do not correspond to their true selves can cause them irreparable emotional harm, and can lead to depression and suicide," she said.

Lukas Berredo, a gender diversity educator who was assigned female at birth but identifies as male, agreed with Cuevas' comments. The two work together as part of the TRANScending Borders team. 

"Trying to fit children into a box that doesn't fit them will most likely cause a lot of damage. They will grow up feeling unsupported and unloved, and the probability of depression, self-mutilation, and suicide increases," said Berredo. "Being transgender is not a bad thing by itself…What makes trans-lives difficult is the systematic exclusion and marginalization we suffer for not being who others expect us to be."

Berredo added that "social expectations of masculinity and femininity are arbitrary constructions that constrain everybody's self-expression."

To move away from a binary and exclusionary society toward an inclusive and diverse society that respects and embraces all children, Berredo said that visibility, support, and education are essential.

He gave the example of gender-neutral toys as a step in the right direction. "It is absurd and insulting to assume a girl's role is in the kitchen! Any child can like cooking and get a kitchen toy set as a gift."

Berredo said that when parents are trying to decide whether a toy is appropriate for their children, they should remember that "all toys are for all children."

Parents of the new era 

Susie Hongwu Zhang, a parenting trainer and founder of Positive Discipline Home, an education institution, has been organizing lectures about gender education in Shanghai and Beijing in response to demand by parents eager to come to a better understanding of the issue.

Zhang said she was fascinated by how parents who attended the talks responded. Some thought it was just about "sex education" at first, while others expressed skepticism about whether gender education was actually worth discussing.

"The issue of gender education is quite new, both in China and abroad," said Zhang. "Different cultures pose different challenges to educators. In our country, a major problem is the pressure from surrounding environment. Chinese people care a lot about how others see them."

Nevertheless, Zhang said that the lectures had been positive. 

"During the lectures, parents would actively share problems they had with raising their children [with regard to gender roles], as well as their own experiences of [gender stereotyping] when growing up," she said.

Zhang said that parents need to accept that gender stereotyping still persists in society, but they should try to give children the freedom to make their own choices.

Along these lines, Chen dismissed the fears of parents like He, who said she worries that her daughter will grow up to be a nühanzi (a derogatory term used in Chinese that roughly translates as "manly woman"). 

"Social hierarchy and traditional divisions of labor are changing, which challenges the traditional demarcation of gender roles," said Chen.