Going it alone: On Mother’s Day, single moms talk about the challenges of raising a child alone
Fan Ying, 38, is divorced and a single mother. She was abandoned by her husband and the father of her son when the child was just four years old; the progenitor went abroad and quit parenting the boy, who is now 10. When 41-year-old Jane Wall gave birth to her son in Beijing, the father was present even though the couple were no longer together. A couple of days later, Wall's ex left her and the newborn; he bears no parental responsibilities to the seven-year-old. Hu Yanjie, 29, was dumped by her boyfriend and her family when she told them that she was pregnant and refused to have an abortion. Hu is raising her three-year-old girl as a single mother. Fan, Wall and Hu rely only on themselves to do the work of two parents.
On Sunday the world celebrates motherhood. Yet in China the financial and legal system doesn't protect or favor single moms. The poorer and less educated the mother, the higher the challenge to raise a child alone. Resolute and hardworking, these women all agree that single motherhood is nevertheless a bittersweet experience they would not forgo.
Universally tough
"It doesn't really matter whether you live in China or abroad, single mothers are strong-minded and brave. We're responsible and live under tremendous pressure," described Fan, an office worker at a neighborhood committee office. Like Fan, Wall and Hu work to put a roof over their child's head and food on the table, on top of all the other essentials they provide their children. They're also the ones who explain to them why their father isn't around.
"It wasn't a matter of personal choice, but it was not a misfortune either," said Fan, who is more worried about her son's emotional distress than social prejudice. "People in general recognize the hardships of single motherhood and regard us as strong women. I never felt that my kid and I were discriminated," she added. Wall agrees that single motherhood is not necessarily a social stigma. "I think the Chinese are very understanding; they have their whole family to help and I had a full-time ayi until my child went to kindergarten. Since then I've done it myself."
Mom guanxi
"Money is probably at the root of most problems," said Wall, who works as a freelance writer and felt confident about being a mother because she was in a fairly stable situation. "I can fit my hours in around my son and his school times, which has always been a massive bonus. I also had a great Chinese neighbor who would babysit for nothing, though I did and do pay her," Wall said, explaining the advantages of being a single mom in Beijing. "In England, I'd have to work a full-time timetable and there is no affordable support for single mothers in terms of babysitting and childcare. Childcare is affordable and the Chinese are lovely with children," she said.
Wall and Fan agree that a network of friends is more essential than finding a substitute father. "Single mothers seem to sniff each other out somehow. In lieu of an official support network, friends are essential," Wall noted.
Single moms also treasure friends over dating. "We're usually too tired, but if you have the energy, dating is possible. It's such a transient place that relationships often aren't expected to last, but having a child can't exactly be an attraction," noted Wall. Dating is not so much of an option for Chinese single moms. "I'd say most single women with a child can't find another husband. We become more objective too: more than a man who wants me as a woman, I'd like to find a partner who is caring to my son and can support the family."
The parents, the law
"The future father asked: how will we support a child? My family said: what will we say to our neighbors and friends?" recalled Hu, saying that both parties urged her to have an abortion. Hu admits she neglected birth control, since she thought she was in a stable relationship and soon to be married. "It happened sooner than expected. But I wanted to be a mother and was afraid that I wouldn't be able to give birth ever again after an abortion," she said.
"Discrimination towards single mothers has reduced a lot since opening up policies were implemented," confirmed Xia Xueluan, a sociologist at Peking University. "But their burden is tough and they are not protected by the law," added Xia. "I sued my ex-husband for eschewing his financial responsibilities. This has been going on for years without any result," said Fan. "The court told me that I must find my ex-husband by myself, otherwise he can't be brought to justice; it's simply unacceptable. We simply can't rely in our justice system," Fan added.
Cry for help
"We help single mothers from all social and financial backgrounds: some are carrying a second child, some get pregnant thinking their lover would then marry them, others can't afford or simply don't want to have an abortion," said a social worker in Beijing, who wished to remain anonymous. "Migrant workers and unemployed women are the most vulnerable," continued the caretaker, saying that many of these women are not schooled and have never been taught about sexual health and family planning. "I reckon that until the one child policy changes, the law can bring absent fathers to justice, sexual education is better and a policy to support single mothers is in place, we'll still be around," the woman concluded.
Liu Yixin contributed to this story.
Tips on how to spoil your mom this Mother's Day
Whether a single mom or not, being a mother is a demanding role that deserves a lot of thanks. So on this Mother's Day show your mom just how much you care with the following tips.
Breakfast in bed
Instead of your mom making her own breakfast, surprise her by making the meal yourself and presenting it to her while she is still in bed. Whether it be just juice and cereal or something more elaborate, she will be happy by the gesture. Add a flower onto the tray for that extra special touch.
Treat her to brunch
This Mother's Day, most of the top hotels and restaurants in Beijing are putting on amazing spreads specifically for your mom. Some will give mothers carnations, others endless glasses of Champagne. There is sure to be something for everyone.
Cards and cakes never fail
Why not make homemade cakes or cookies and place them in a basket? Then add a handwritten card to the collection and it will be the perfect combination of both action and words. This will show just how much you really love her.
Volunteer for a day
Many single moms have to juggle a job on top of all the household chores, such as cooking and cleaning. Show that you appreciate just how much she does and free up some time for her to relax by volunteering to do at least one household chore this week or next.
Treat her to a treatment
It can be exhausting being a mother, but at least Beijing has plenty of affordable spas that offer respite. So give her a break by buying a voucher to her favorite treatment of choice, whether it be a massage, facial, manicure or pedicure.
Ticket to bond
Buy a pair of tickets to a concert or play that you know she will love, rather than to the latest movie you want to see. It will be a treat for her and a great excuse to spend valuable time bonding together.